Chances are pretty good that over the years you’ve heard a lot of advice on the values & benefits of “working hard”. I know I certainly have, so I won’t deluge you with more of the same.
Instead, I’d like to offer an observation that may warrant some thoughtful consideration:
You pick.
While I generally don’t condone foisting one’s beliefs on others, I offer a bit of wisdom that I believe ought to be shared with every person whenever possible. Further, I strongly recommend you consider it of paramount importance if you are a parent.
Here it is: Life is about challenge, NOT struggle!
What’s the difference?
STRUGGLE is a state. It has no discernible beginning, middle, or end. It is by nature endless and timeless. It has neither particular entrance nor escape. It is a state in which one simply finds oneself, without any clear view of how one arrived. As a core belief, it is a breeding ground for lifelong feelings of powerlessness and futility.
CHALLENGE, on the other hand, is an event or circumstance. It has a discernible beginning, middle, and end. Because every challenge is by nature finite, its parameters can be understood, and so ultimate victory is always possible no matter how difficult circumstances may be.
When people are conditioned by example, religion, or experience with the core belief that Life is a series of struggles, they become weak, frustrated, and hopeless. Even if they make a Herculean effort to live better, inherent feelings of futility just end up burning them out from the inside, and they suffer unduly.
Conversely, when people are conditioned to perceive Life as a series of challenges to be met, understood, and conquered, they become strong, confident, healthy, whole, and more inclined to behave as truly human beings. They feel better, live better, do better, and treat one another better. They are likely to become a credit to themselves, society, and the human race.
I would ask that you pay very close attention to whether – consciously or not – you are communicating the message that Life is about enduring struggles, or the message that Life is about meeting challenges. Big difference.
You never know, the life you save might very well be your own.
Everyone wants to both FEEL good and DO well. But our emotional “logic” can often lead us astray from the very result we seek. Here’s an example.
When people FEEL lousy, they generally don’t DO so well. So they naturally focus their attention on trying to FEEL better. This appears to make sense – “…when I FEEL better I DO better”.
Unfortunately, this is not often a reality. Instead, what most often happens is that they get stuck trying to make themselves FEEL better. It’s like trying to fall asleep – the more you tell yourself “Fall asleep NOW! I really need to sleep! C’mon sleep!”, the wider awake you end up. Same thing with trying to FEEL better. Doesn’t work.
Then what does work? Trying to KNOW better.
Here’s a simple yet powerful pattern that you need to realize: When you KNOW better, you DO better. And when you DO better, you naturally FEEL better – about yourself, the world, everything!
And here’s a bonus: Once you FEEL better, you are even more inclined to want to KNOW better. And when you KNOW better you are even more inclined to DO better, which of course makes you FEEL even better.
Terrifically positive cycle, eh? Give it a try.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how to avoid being disappointed in other people. Really wish I did, but I don’t.
However, I can offer some guidance on how to avoid the awful morass of being disappointed in yourself. I say “awful morass”, but I could just as well call it a trap or a cesspit, because once you set foot on the path of feeling disappointed in yourself, the inescapable swamp of self-pity is just around the corner.
Fortunately, that trap is completely avoidable. Because you have an extraordinarily powerful weapon at your disposal with which to obliterate self-disappointment whenever you may feel it coming on. And that weapon is Critical Thinking.
The reason why Critical Thinking is so all-powerful is that it provides you with both motivation and guidance – at the same time! Guidance in that it focuses your attention on objectively & effectively considering precisely what expectation you feel disappointed in not meeting. And clean motivation because you are taking control, which is an excellent way to avoid self-pity and gain ascendancy over any set of sub-optimal circumstances.
As an added bonus, Critical Thinking gives you insights into how to improve, remedy, or just learn from whatever situation that prompted you to feel disappointed in the first place. Wow. And in case you’re worried that you have to be an Einstein to use Critical Thinking, fear not, because it isn’t about how well you use it, just that you do use it. Period.
So go forth and think critically! 🙂
“Take responsibility for your actions & your decisions!”
I heard this often growing up. I’ve absorbed this into myself. And I’ve said this to others on occasion as well. All because it is simply one of the fundamentals of being a mature human being. So far so good.
The odd thing is that when most people feel (or are told) that they are “not taking responsibility” or “avoiding responsibility”, most of the time it is probably not true. This is not to say that they are taking responsibility; because they probably aren’t. Instead, what they are much more likely doing is “not taking or avoiding” the risk of failing in meeting their responsibility! Big difference.
So before you judge yourself or someone else as “lazy” for not taking responsibility, check to see if it is instead a matter of being afraid to take the risk of failing. And if it is, then the situation calls not for discipline, but for courage. Big difference.
When you dig deeper into the phrase “I want freedom”, you’ll find that what people really want is “freedom of choice”. But this interpretation can be misleading, because what most people really want is specifically “control over whatever impacts their lives”.
So what’s the difference? Well, while most people say they crave “freedom of choice”, few people actually enjoy making choices; most find it difficult and stressful e.g. What if they make the wrong one? What if they regret their choice? etc.
So at the end of the day, what most people want is not more freedom to make even more choices! Rather, they want the feeling of “freedom of choice” without having to actually make tough choices; freedom without the accompanying Responsibilities & Risks of choice.
What’s going on here? Well, once upon a time when we were young, most of us experienced a sincere desire for true freedom of choice. However, at that time we didn’t have any idea of the harsh realities of the Responsibilities & Risks inherent in making any choice. As adults, though, after years of real-world “experience” (e.g.. having some of our major choices effect unimagined consequences) we have a healthy respect for – and perhaps even anxiety over – the Responsibilities & Risks inherent in Choice.
And that is why, although we may still feel that familiar desire for “control” over whatever impacts our lives, we can still prove through our behaviour to be unwilling to accept both the Responsibilities AND Risks of choice.
The crux of the matter is that the Responsibilities AND the Risks of choice are each one side of the same coin that we call Choice! So the inescapable truth is that it is impossible to accept ONLY Responsibility OR Risk! You must accept BOTH or NEITHER, simply because they are both always present together – again, two sides of the same coin: Choice.
The takeaway is twofold: First, you must make a blanket decision to accept both the Responsibilities AND the Risks of choice as the investment cost of true freedom. Second, you must understand that your reality will be entirely dependent upon which side of the coin you decide to use as your anchor from this point forward. You can decide that Choice represents RESPONSIBILITY, in which case making choices will give you a feeling of inherent control. Or you can decide that Choice represents RISK, in which case making choices will cause you anxiety and the feeling of living perpetually under threat.
You must decide for yourself. Your future awaits your choice.