Perspectives

“am I just being stubborn?” a quick reference guide

by Paul Joo

Here is a handy user guide as to the key differences among Determination, Stubbornness, and Defiance.

DETERMINATION is about focusing on achieving a specific desired outcome. So it is holding to one consistent ideal because you believe that a specific approach based on that ideal will deliver that specific desired outcome.

STUBBORNNESS is about refusing to adjust your current rationale regardless of the outcome. Your rationale may not be the best one, it may not even be the right one, but you do have a rationale for clinging to your position or opinion. The thing is, you just refuse to adapt it to the requirements of your circumstances.

DEFIANCE is about automatically rejecting the possibility of any alternative to whatever it is you currently have in mind. Note that what you “have in mind” is seldom any one specific fact or idea anchored in a specific belief. As you have no specific rationale supporting your position, defiance reflects simply a mindless refusal to be moved.

So, which one are you – determined, stubborn or defiant? All of us – right or wrong – are probably all three at some point, on certain issues, at different times.

What you may want to ask yourself is: “Which one would I like my default setting to be?” And then perhaps work assiduously to make it so….?

Perspectives

thinking better really does help you live better

by Paul Joo

I’m getting older. Hey, so are you! And as time passes we accumulate a multitude of experiences – good & bad – to which we automatically attach emotional associations – good & bad.

When these associations are positive, all is well, no problem. But negative emotional associations can be very powerful and significantly interfere with our success.

One example of this that I come across quite often looks something like this: “I can’t seem to outpace the persistent negative effects of the past – mentally, emotionally, and/or physically. I feel like I am never going to be done paying for past mistakes or bad decisions!”

So what do you DO about it? Well, for me the solution lies in realizing that it’s not about “outpacing” anything at all, so stop trying to! It IS about choosing to not repeat the same patterns – mentally, emotionally and physically – that created your troubles in the first place.

Fact: You may feel you cannot “escape” your past mistakes or choices because if you’re thinking and feeling about them in the same way as you always have, you’re actually keeping them alive in your present. (As Aristotle said: We become that to which we give our attention.)

What you need to do is to accept whatever “consequences” are on the table today as a present circumstance, and deal with them as they are now, and as you are now; while being careful not to fall into the trap of repeating similar patterns of thinking, feeling & doing.

Bottom Line: If you want to live better, you need to think better than you did before. When you can think differently, you will no longer be held hostage to your negative associations, and so you will feel differently. And when you feel differently, you will behave differently.

So this is one way to not only get over whatever lingering consequences may be showing up in your life, but get ahead of them.

Give it a try.

Perspectives

a “recipe” for making the most of yourself

by Paul Joo

Ever since I can remember, my singular objective has been to Make The Most Of Myself. And so it remains.

Naturally, during the past forty years of conscious effort directed towards this goal I’ve created and employed a variety of insights & ideas to guide my efforts, naturally meeting with mixed success.

At any rate, what follows is my latest effort at clarifying my own personal “recipe” for Making The Most Of Myself:

Simply focus all my efforts on building BOTH a Better Man AND a Better Life. How? Specifically…

  • Build a Better Man Þ Be a Superior Man as per my own personal parameters & definition.
  • Build a Better Life Þ Be a Superior Player in the Game that is living in human society.

Sounds simple, but the big change for me is that until now I’ve been focusing more or less solely on making myself into a Better Man, which while valuable has nevertheless proven a somewhat antediluvian outlook.

In hindsight I suppose it was either incredibly optimistic or incredibly naïve (or both) to believe that putting my efforts into becoming a Better Man would automatically generate a Better Life. In point of fact, alone it is simply insufficient to meet the demands of succeeding within our present society. Hence the need to focus on building both a Better man and a Better Life, which for me are two distinctly separate lines of effort.

Perhaps this will prove a useful framework for Making the Most of Myself, and in doing so guide me in living a great Life that is worth all the effort.

“Fingers crossed”? Nah, as the venerable Yoda says: Do or not do, there is no “Try”. 🙂

Perspectives

so, you pride yourself on your determination eh…?

by Paul Joo

Many people pride themselves on their “determination”. But what exactly is it, and where does it comes from?

In my estimation, genuine determination refers to a willing commitment to make intelligent, effective choices. It’s about engaging the self-discipline to make choices based on reason & intellect rather than emotion. And then following through on those choices with self-disciplined activities based also on reason & intellect rather than emotion.

A challenge for many people is that “being determined” in practice ends up only reinforcing their willingness to accept their own stubborn & defiant behaviour patterns. All too often, what many people pride themselves on ends up being not true determination at all, but rather their willingness to stubbornly cling to their immediate emotional drivers. As an example, real determination does not refer to a willingness to shore up one’s flagging confidence with emotion – that’s simply a form of defiance called bravado.

So, want to check yourself? Take a look at when & how you apply your determination.

For example, does your “determination” often assume the form of, say, defiance? If so, just be aware that this is a trap you can fall into quite easily whenever you’re trying to bolster or substitute a shaky confidence.

So then how can you tell if you are engaging true determination, and not some nasty, self-defeating form of emotionality? Well, you’ll see soon enough because if you’re just being emotional you probably won’t get the complete or positive outcomes you are expecting.

In fact, generally speaking, when you apply your determination to driving through with any emotional reaction instead of confidence, you are likely to get a negative outcome. Conversely, when you apply your determination to confidently making choices based on reason & intellect rather than emotion, you are very likely to get a positive outcome.

The takeaway? Whenever you find yourself a little shy on confidence, try to avoid reacting emotionally or with defiance. Instead, try thinking your way systematically through your challenge; you can get it done with determination.

Keep in mind that genuine determination – properly allocated & sourced – is an extension of your confidence, not a replacement for it. Just look at what happens every time you just confidently focus on the task at hand and follow through until it is completed? You make choices based on reason & intellect rather than emotion – and you once again succeed through determination! 🙂

Thought Bytes

6 simple stages to track your progress

by Paul Joo

A natural progression of likely objectives, from youth through old age…

First Stage of Life: Grow Up!

Early Stage of Life: Live!

Early Middle Stage of Life: Grow Up!

Middle Stage of Life: Live!

Later Stage of Life: Live Healthy!

Last Stage of Life: Die Healthy!

Where are you? 🙂

Perspectives

are you guilty of wilful insanity?

by Paul Joo

“We fear our highest possibilities. We are generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse in our most perfect moments, under the perfect conditions, under conditions of greatest courage. We enjoy and even thrill to the Godlike possibilities we see in ourselves in such peak moments. And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe and fear before these very same possibilities.” – Abraham Maslow

WTF? What’s going on here?

One likely reason for this phenomenon is what I see as a common form of WIlful Insanity: Clinging to your “right” to keep open “the option to feel helpless whenever I feel like it.”

Ok, so maybe not all of us are super-mindful or ultra-self-aware. Nonetheless, we all probably entertain at least some idea of what may potentially move us forward towards the things we want & our ideal selves. So what’s the problem then? What stands in our way?

Just the completely ridiculous emotional habit of struggling against our own ambitions, drives, principals & even common sense! All in order to “keep open” emotional “options” that we know have no real value for us anymore!

Yep, while we are clinging to “keep open options” that we often consciously disdain, we are at the same time avoiding & fearful of the options that have the potential to move us toward achieving the things & self we actually want. Crazy, eh? 🙂

Perspectives

to be or not to be…. selfish?

by Paul Joo

When it comes to the idea of “selfish”, there are two basic camps: those who preach that you should NOT be selfish, and those who preach that you SHOULD be selfish. Naturally, both camps believe that their own respective positions favor the betterment of society.

Who’s right? Well, it depends on definitions – which you may notice are seldom if ever forthcoming from people who preach to you about anything.

Nevertheless, one could potentially see the merit of either side, again depending on if & how they would particularly define “selfish”. However, instead of trying to explain for them, I shall simply explain my own definitions & distinctions as follows.

For me, it’s pretty simple, really, as it comes down to two key definitions, between which one can and must make a clear distinction:

Self-centred – Self-centred people see themselves as the centre of their own universe. As such, they take full responsibility for anything that happens in it, knowing that everything they experience is at least partially a product of their own thoughts, words or deeds. In point of fact, I personally subscribe to this mentality as being a mature, responsible and noble one.

Selfish – Selfish people see themselves as the centre of the universe. As such, they take little if any responsibility for anything that happens in it. While they feel that they deserve control, they won’t accept any of the responsibility for anything they experience as a result of either exercising or failing to exercise that control. So you can see that selfish people are very often immature & cowardly as well.

Well, there you have it. My perspective on two alternatives. Either pick the one that suits you or create yet another to suit yourself, as you will.

Regardless of your choice, though, I suggest you consider the words of Antoine de Saint-Exupery:  “If you are to be, you must begin by assuming responsibility.  You alone are responsible for every moment of your life, for every one of your acts.”

Indeed.

 

Back To Top